Red Sox Rant: My selective ire as the season fades well into September

BOSTON, MA - AUGUST 2: Fans seek refuge from the storm during a rain delay at Fenway Park on August 2, 2017 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images)
BOSTON, MA - AUGUST 2: Fans seek refuge from the storm during a rain delay at Fenway Park on August 2, 2017 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images) /

The Boston Red Sox can make my baseball heart flutter or my blood boil. This particular rant is all about the boiling part.

The 2017 Boston Red Sox schedule is winding down and this is the first season in decades I have gone to less than ten home games. The reason is this team is as exciting as reading the dictionary. My spouse – The Lovely Cynthia – despises baseball as “slow, boring and a waste of a good afternoon or evening.”  This season Ms. Lovely will get no argument from me.  This is a dreadful collection of non-personalities. Watching this team on NESN is so bad I make sure my Kindle is fully charged.

The ownership – meaning John Henry – is also on my special just go away meter.  The Yawkey Way fiasco just crowned off a continuation of corporate skullduggery from Apple Watches to playing fiscal roulette with the International signings market. Also, John, ditch that straw hat since you look like Ray Bolger in the Wizard of Oz.

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The next rant on my soapbox is Mo, Larry, and Curley – not the famed Three Stooges, but our outfield collection that does their happy dance after every victory. I doubt Tommy Tune has given the boys any instructions since their moves are about as dreadful as their hitting. Can someone please – I’ll even do pretty please – put an end to that nonsense.

The food at Fenway Park makes the lunches I had to attempt to eat in high school decades ago seem palatable. That was culinary PTSD. Forget the ballpark cost – that happens everywhere, but the slop they dish out has convinced me greed has overwhelmed any basic culinary acuity.  If Thomas de Torquemada was still upright he could put away the instruments of torture and replace it with the Fenway chicken finger meal. I would instantaneously confess to anything.

Chris Sale could lose 50 games, but in my book he does the one thing that is as rare as a cognizant post from me – he pitches quickly. Sale gets the ball and throws the ball.  Sale does not do a Clay Buchholz and attempt to communicate with the spirit world when he has the ball. Hmmm…this seems a bit positive?  I’ll get back on rant track.

Ms. Lovely certainly has some negative input and some of it is all centered on spitting, chewing, scratching, and the inevitable grabbing of certain athletic equipment. I explained this as “A guy thing” and her response was “The guy thing” is in front of 30,000 people. I am now exceedingly private and careful around the homestead.

What is the issue with batting practice? Back in the day, the fun was to get to the park early enough to watch your guys having some fun with the club.  Nothing like watching a few pitchers having their own version of home run derby. No more. I do believe you do have an early entry if you have sold a kidney to buy a season luxury box.

The Monster Seats are a total con. Maybe a flim-flam, rip-off, swindle, – I am now out of synonyms. They are just vastly overpriced bleacher seats and nothing more. The view is awful unless you are in row one where it is passible. Doing this for the “experience” is like driving your car 100 MPH into a bridge abutment for the “experience.”

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The pre-game or is it now the pre-pre-game ceremonies are a tedious bore.  Yes – great to honor folks – I get that, but it has become an endless ceremonial death march that makes me want to buy Fenway Park food to see just how good the triage from Beth Israel is at the ballpark.

Ah – Beth Israel – the official hospital of the Red Sox. The Red Sox have official everything to squeeze about as much dough as possible out of willing (or unwilling) pockets. No doubt in my mind that if I was bleeding out in Boston my last breath would be “Screw Massachusetts General a minute away and take me to the official Red Sox hospital.”

Fenway Park is a dump. I have been to many ballparks and Fenway is the dumpster of all of them.  The place is 100+ years old and despite pumping a $150 Million into it the place still smells of stale beer, urine, smoke, Fenway Franks and the only good thing is no rats – they apparently all passed to rat heaven nibbling on tossed Fenway food.

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OK – I feel better cleaning out my ire, but no matter how much negativity I spew I will be the typical Red Sox lemming and head to Fenway for some more abuse. Face it, folks, we simply are moths drawn to the flame of baseball and the Red Sox.