2014 Red Sox Holiday Wish List
By Will Ossoff
After a depressingly disappointing Red Sox season, there’s nothing like the holidays to reinvigorate us all with a sense of hope and joy. Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Boxing Day, or Festivus, every Sox fan has a lengthy wish list for 2015. Of course, another World Series would be phenomenal, but every kid asks for a pony and very few actually get one. In order to avoid ending up with a lump of coal for my greed, I’ve compiled a very modest list of gifts. And instead of asking for myself, I’ve taken the liberty of asking for presents for a few members of the Sox. Let’s hope they’ve been good this year.
Clay Buchholz: R. Kelly’s Single, “The World’s Greatest”
In the first two months of 2013, Clay Buchholz pitched like he was the subject of this song. In 2014, he pitched like a guy who needed to listen to it. We’ve all seen the talent and promise—the no-hitter in his second start, the Cy Young caliber season in 2010, and the utter dominance of April-May 2013. But we’ve also seen the sustained periods of mediocrity that seem to illustrate an inexplicable lack of confidence. Buch has the potential to be one of the world’s greatest, and if he listens to this song a little more, hopefully he will start believing it.
David Ortiz: A Case for his 500th Home Run Ball
After a 35-homer campaign in 2014, his highest total since 2007, Big Papi moved within 34 long balls of the once-hallowed 500 Club. Although steroid allegations have tainted this accomplishment, it remains an impressive feat in light of the success that Ortiz has continued to have in the (supposed) post-Steroid era. Also, remember when Ortiz was battling for a starting spot with the unforgettable Jeremy Giambi in April 2003? The Large Father has come a long way. If he continues to defy age and knocks out #500 sometime in September, he deserves a fancy case for it.
Dustin Pedroia: Adamantium
Pedey may be tough as nails, but the backbone of the Red Sox lineup has looked mighty brittle in recent years. He needs a year without any broken bones or torn tendons in his hands. Hopefully Santa/Hanukkah Harry/Festivus Fairy can get a hold of Wolverine and deliver Pedroia a healthy dose of Adamantium; for non-X-Men fans, Adamantium is the metal in Wolverine’s bones that makes him virtually indestructible. With a fully healthy season, he may even be able to regain the pop in his bat that he’s been missing since 2011.
Justin Masterson: A Neuralyzer
After an all-star 2013 campaign, Masterson finished 2014 with a brutal 5.88 ERA and 1.632 WHIP. If Masterson can capture his form from two years ago, the Sox may have gotten a steal at only $9.5 million for 2015. But he needs to wipe the memory of last season clear from his brain. Time to call up Agent K and Agent J from Men in Black and get one of these “flashy things” to allow Masterson to selectively erase his memory. Maybe he’ll be kind enough to let Buchholz borrow it too.
Koji Uehara: A Mid-Summer Vacation, courtesy of (insert reliever here)
39-year-old Koji clearly burned out at the end of last season. After pitching like an iron man for a year and a half, Koji faded hard in August and September. If the Sox want to contend next year, they will need Koji healthy and rested down the stretch, and a June or July fake trip to the DL for “arm tightness” may do the trick. Of course, somebody will need to step up for a few weeks and make sure that the Sox don’t tank in Koji’s absence, so this gift is contingent upon a breakout closing performance from Edward Mujica, Junichi Tazawa, Brandon Workman, or some other undetermined reliever. Bottom line, we all want to hear Sandstorm in the 9th inning in October next year.