“Mr. Peterson, the doctor will see you now.”
“Good morning doctor.”
“Good morning Mr. Peterson. What brings you in today?”
“I think I’m suffering from depression.”
May 14, 2013; St. Petersburg, FL, USA; Boston Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli (12) misses a fly ball during the fourth inning as Tampa Bay Rays right fielder Matt Joyce (20) is safe at first at Tropicana Field. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
“I see. Can you tell me if you have any of the following symptoms: Constant sadness, irritability, hopelessness, feeling worthless or guilty for no reason, trouble sleeping, low energy or fatigue, significant weight change?”
“Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“Yes to all of the above.”
“Surely some of your symptoms must be less severe or psychosomatic?”
“Yeah well, I have changed my lifestyle and my eating habits are much better so I’m losing weight and getting some energy back.”
“OK, that’s a great start. So can you pinpoint a particular event that may have triggered your condition?”
“Well, I’m a Red Sox fan. I write about them, I talk about them, I watch them and lately, mostly I cry about them.”
“It says here on your chart that you are 54. Do you really cry about them?”
“Not technically. It’s more like one constant pissing and moaning session but my family has been known to accuse me of being a crybaby.”
“I see. This diagnosis is becoming much more clear. I’m not a big baseball fan but the season did just get started, right? They have time to make things better, correct?”
“Well sure, but these guys – and by association me – have technically been at it since February. Boston was so awful last year and all I wanted was for them to return to respectability. So what did they do? Got off to one of the best starts in club history, that’s what. They were 20-8 in April.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“NO, that’s a very bad thing!”
“I’m not following…”
“It’s a bad thing because eventually they’ll screw it all up and break my heart. They’re already doing it. After that oh-so-sweet April they have lost three in a row, six of seven and nine of 11 in May. I feel like like Frank Sinatra singing That’s Life. You know, ‘That’s life, that’s what people say. You’re riding high in April, shot down in May.’ They’ve essentially undone all the great stuff that happened in April. Defensively they’re sucking, 21st out of 32. Offensively, how can I say this without sounding redundant? They’re sucking. As of their latest humiliation on Tuesday night in Tampa Bay it looked like this, at least according to the Boston Globe’s Peter Abraham: 1) The Sox did not have a single Tuesday night. Amazingly, it’s the third time this season that has happened. Prior to that it had not happened since June 19, 2009; 2. The Sox have been held to five or fewer hits in eight of 39 games (20 percent) this season. It happened 16 percent of the time last season; 3) Rays pitching retired 26 of the final 31 Sox batters. None advanced beyond second base; 4) The Sox are 4 of their last 40 (.100) with runners in scoring position. Over 11 games it’s 14 of 83 (.169). That defines sucking.”
“So why don’t you just stop watching?”
“Perhaps I’ve come to the wrong doctor. Do you understand what you just said?”
“Well if the team is truly making you sad and irritable…”
“Who says I’m irritable!”
“You did at the beginning of your visit. And hopeless, worthless, guilty for no reason…”
“Point taken. Can we move on doc?”
“My point exactly Mr. Peterson. Move on. There’s so much more to life than the Red Sox and the outcome of some stupid baseball game. Mr. Peterson? Mr. Peterson! Showing me a 1 and 1 count with your middle digits doesn’t solve anything. Mr. Peterson? Where are you going? The session isn’t finished.”
“I believe it indeed has ended. You’re a quack. To coin a phrase I heard recently, ‘move on.’ ”
“You will still be billed for the entire hour!”
“Bill me, I can’t feel any more short changed than I do right now.”