We Find “Reticent Roy” Oswalt a home…say “Hey” to Andy and Opie
By Earl Nash
Sox fans have had it up to their ball caps with “Reticent Roy” Oswalt and his game of “Yes, but…”
Maybe, just maybe, he would rather go night gator hunting in a canoe with a flashlight than pitch again?
Is his favorite movie “The Runaway Bride”?
OK, Roy, we can help you; allow me to introduce you to our resident Motivational Speaker and Life Coach, Ophelia Payne…
“Thanks, Earl. OK, Mr. Oswalt: first, make a list of what you WANT:”
* $10 million for one year.
* slot in a rotation; no relief pitching.
* no city bigger than Jackson, Mississippi: ranked 3rd out of America’s 100 largest metro areas for the best “Bang For Your Buck” city according to Forbes magazine.
"Q: Did Boston close the famous “combat zone” downtown?A: No, but it costs more than a buck."
* home games no further than a 2 hour drive.
* no confusing mass transit systems to figure out. [MTA disqualifies Boston]
* no plane flights.
“Good job, Mr. Oswalt! Now, put those WANTS in order of importance.”
* slot in a rotation; no relief pitching.
* home games no further than a 2 hour drive.
* no plan flights.
* no city bigger than Jackson, Mississippi.
* no confusing mass transit systems to figure out. [MTA disqualifies Boston]
* $10 million for one year.
“Good job, Mr. Oswalt! Now, give me a minute to consult with Mr. Nash and we’ll have your answer.”
OP: “He wants to be a starting pitcher and money is not his priority anymore.”
EN: “He grew up in a small town with a country lifestyle pace of living.”
OP: “He’s not ready to completely retire from pitching, but is eliminating big cities…”
EN: “He could try Oakland; it’s a small city and only “Major league” because the A’s haven’t moved yet.”
OP: “No, too far from his home. And that BART transit system is confusing.”
EN: “Hey, I heard he just spent a lot of time building a home on some acres he bought in Mississippi.”
OP: “He needs to pitch for a team that does not use planes, near his new dream house and far away from a city larger than Jackson, where, I can tell you, Earl, I really got a great bang for a buck last summer!”
EN: “Really? Hey, the Braves have a minor league team in Mississippi...the Mississippi Braves, Double-AA– he could even be the ace of the rotation!””
OP: “Great job, Earl!”
“Mr. Oswalt, I think we have the perfect solution for you. You can sign for less than $10 million with a team that will make you the ace of their rotation, no plane flights, no more airports, no big city atmosphere and you can drive to all their games. The Mississippi Braves play at Trustmark Field, in Pearl, Mississippi. Here’s their phone number: 601-932-8788 or 888-Braves4. Still want to go to lunch with Earl and I? Oh, can’t decide, if you’re hungry or not…we understand.”
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