Seeking “Cheapo Fifth Starter,” Sox Sign Ohlendorf to minor contract
By Earl Nash
It’s time once again to play “Red Sox Cheapo Fifth Starter” Fill-In-The-Blanks game…again…ready? Start!
"The Boston — — signed [RHP, Ross Ohlendorf] to a minor league ——– ; he will compete in Spring —— for the – th slot in the Red Sox ——– ."
[ANSWERS: Red Sox, contract, training, 5, rotation]
Yes the One-Percenters in the corner offices at Fenway have sent Poor Ben out to buy flashlights to use at JETBLUE PARK AT FENWAY SOUTH in Fort Myers, instead of those expensive banks of lights for night games; not to worry; they will only be used from sunset, until the home plate umpire can no longer see the pitched balls. However, to save on batteries, they will be turned off between innings.
Sadly, Poor Ben is not headed to Home Repo or Flashlight Warehouse for new flashlights; he has been ordered to buy them at the thrift store. Working within budget constraints for The Fifth Starter, the brain truss upstairs plans to buy a dozen flashlights for $5 and hope that, when they come to Spring training, where the batteries are now, one of them will work.
In the batch that Poor Ben brought to Fort Myers today was RHP Ross Ohlendorf, who signed a minor league contract. Upon arrival today, he asked: “Where are the batteries warming up?”
The odds of him being named the Red Sox Cheapo Fifth Starter are about the same as a thrift store flashlight actually working; his chances are dim in light of his 8.15 ERA and 1.94 WHIP in eight starts last season for the Pirates, while struggling with shoulder issues. The 29-year-old righty was released by Pittsburgh in December, in time for the Holiday Season.
The Red Sox traveling Secretary, Nick L. Pincher, to save money, booked early and got an Econo-Van [no A/C, no audio system, empty tank] that seats 10, comfortably, to allow the invitees who did not make the 40-man roster to drive themselves, non-stop, to Pawtucket, Rhode Island [first stop] or Portland, Maine [end of the line.] Any players who opt to drive their own vehicles will not be reimbursed for expenses.
Pity Poor Ben, sitting in his dark office, scouring Greg’s List for pitchers on his Commoder Pet computer, keeping it running by pedaling a thrift store exercise bike.
‘Where have you gone Thomas Yawkey, man? Our Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.’
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