Festivus for the Rest-of-Us


Frank Costanza: Many Christmas’ ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.

Every year on December 23rd, I take the time to celebrate the best holiday of them all: Festivus. It is a non-denominational, all inclusive ceremony of airing grievances that uses a pole as decoration, and doesn’t end until the head of the household has been pinned down in the Feats of Strength. I will begin by airing my grievances about baseball announcers (and their partners)…I got a lot of problems with you people!

My first issue is with Joe Buck. You suck. You are plain terrible at your job and I instantly become nauseous when I hear your voice. I was enjoying my off-season without you, until I saw your National Rental car commercial and it brought back all of my anger. I began immediately and involuntarily yelling swears at the TV and became enraged. The worst part is that you are only 1/2 of the worst announcing crew in baseball. Your worse half, Tim McCarver, decides to tell useless stories about nothing, that no one wants to hear, and ignore that fact that there is actually a live game happening. The best invention ever is the radio, so I don’t have to listen to you two idiots.

My second issue is with Jon Miller. When it comes to an ESPN Red Sox game, one would think a former Red Sox announcer would understand the team better than most, right? Wrong. You are an bumbling idiot who appears to have no knowledge of the sport of baseball or the teams that are playing. Along with Joe Morgan, you spend 95% of the broadcast telling unrelated stories and ignoring the play on the field. Do you not understand that people are watching the game and are not tuned in for ‘Unrelated Story Hour’ or is it that you have no idea what is happening on the field? You are painful to watch and even more painful to listen to. All you do is make bad puns and jokes to distract people from noticing your complete lack of knowledge.

My third and final issue is with Chip Caray. You have never gotten through a single game without making at least two factual errors. Even when you don’t make a mistake, you sound like a person who is watching baseball for the first time and doesn’t know the difference between a hit and an out. This quote from last season says it all, “A base — fly ball, I should say — out to center field. That ball was hooking and nearly fell in front of Delmon Young.” Not only was it a simple fly ball in which you botched the call, you then proceeded to make up a story about Delmon Young and how he played the ball poorly. You are a moron. You can’t even take credit for your own stupidity, you have to blame it on the players. You should be banned from live TV.