Our sources say that some Yankee fan read our post* [at noon today] about Nova’s critical biorhythms and alerted the Yankee brass in the Bronx. What else would explain the sudden withdrawl of Nova and the emergency insertion of rookie relief pitcher David Phelps?
Phelps’ hasn’t started a game since, Sept. 19th in the second game of a doubleheader in a spot start against the Blue Jays. Since then, he has made only two relief appearances. He doesn’t have the arm strength to go more than five innings.
My personal attorney, Fukayu Sosumi, is on the trail of the weasel who tipped off the Yankees, whom I suspect is some balding 30-nothing, living in his parents basement in Kew Gardens. When that obese sloth reads this, the reference to Kew Gardens, he will experience a sudden rush of shit to the heart.
We are confident that the Commissioner’s Office will want to pursue the purpertrator of this act of terrorism against America’s National Pastime.
Sosumi has a hacker on retainer who formerly worked on a crack team in the ATF, before an unfortunate incident involving fake Uzis made of licorice that we part of a sting operation in Tijuana.
We already know that someone using a Commodore 64 “viewed” my story about how Nova was doomed by his biorhythms and then emailed the Yankees’ business office; from there it was easy to track the frenzied emails between the suits and the guys in the dugout.
Yes, that’s right, you low-life Yankee fan in Kew Gardens in that ranch house with dark green vinyl siding on 129th street near Jamaica Avenue, we know all about you and the unspeakable acts that you committed at the Queens Zoo and the Maple Grove Cemetery.
But, don’t worry; we will not turn you into the cops, that would be too easy.
Hey, weasel, remember the time Reggie Jackson pushed you and said: “Outta my way, fatty!” And, we know how much you paid for that “game worn” athletic supporter, that you believed belonged to a Yankee outfielder; you are so pathetic.
You probably believe that the Sox will actually start Dice K tomorrow—with your fate on the line. No, they will surprise your Yankees by starting rookie Matt Barnes; your boys have never seen him, so he will baffle them the first time through the lineup.
Then, surprise, the Red Sox reactivated Bill Wakefield, and he will come in for the second time through the batting order. Then Valentine will put LHP Miller in LF and LHP Breslow in RF and closer Andrew Bailey at 1b and rotate them on the mound to get righty-lefty advantage for every batter.
Valentine has already sent in a pinch hitter after two pithes; he may have Miller throw two to A-Rod and then let Breslow throw two and so on.
Oh, don’t bother trying to email Cashman now, the worm that we sent to you is already spiraling through your hard drive like a syphilis spirochete in a brain; like the Candiru asu, the small catfish, the voracious parasite, that uses its circular mouth and sharp teeth to bite flesh and enter organisms, leaving behind a wound that looks uncannily like a bullet hole and then proceeds to feed on the organs, literally eating its victim from inside.
Some say that the KGB would plant them in the cold water pipe that feeds a bathtub and shower and that their victims were found filled with dozens, even hundreds, of these river monsters. Scientists and coroners have determined that the victims may have even been alive and simply incapacitated when the Candiru asu struck.
Try to call Cashman and start worrying about the Candiru asu. Be smart, douche bag, lay low tonight, finish that bag of Ranch flavor Doritos in your lap; then, tomorrow, drive your parents’ car to Greenpoint in Brooklyn to your miserable job at the Newtown Creek Sewage Treatment Facility, clean out the filters, go home, eat dinner with your parents and Uncle Herbie, and then, listen to the Yankees lose game #162–perhaps even the AL East title tomorrow night.
[NOTICE TO LITERALISTS AND MORONS: Whilst the following may not seem funny, it is intended to be humorous. All characters and surnames, images, photos, or graphics appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or undead, as well as souls inhabiting bodies, is purely coincidental. All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. Any resemblance between the characters in this article and any persons, or body, living or dead, is a miracle.]
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