Red Sox Declared Dead: 3:28 PM…EST…July 22nd…

I’m calling it…3:28 PM…EST…July 22nd…

The frustrated surgeon snaps off the gloves and the nurse covers the patient’s head and Red Sox hat with a white sheet.

R.I.P. Boston Red Sox, 2012.

I am that surgeon and you are the terrified member of Red Sox Nation. It’s a tough job, but it is my responsibility to inform you that I called it; I declared your team officially dead. I am sorry for your loss.

There were many contributing factors to the death, but the primary problems were in the heart.
Two vessels in the heart failed: the coronary arteries.

This was a very odd case. The MRI did not show that they were blocked; mysteriously, the both suddenly stopped pumping at the same time; the process began around Opening Day and worsened, until they both failed completely today.

Although a new Life Coach was hired the past winter, he was unable to save the patient. The patient was resistant to a slightly stricter diet and exercise regimen with the two coronary arteries completely resistant to the treatment. The removal of a body part by the new Life Coach did leave a scar.

Ironically, the parts of the body that concerned the doctors [shortstop, #5 pitcher, #3 and #4 starters] performed better than was expected.

Despite the struggle to thrive on the part of the guts [Pedroia, Ortiz, Doubrant, Buchholz], the lack of blood supply provided by the primary heart vessels [#1 and #2] doomed the patient. Also, the indecision that led to the switching from “pen meds” to “starter meds”hastened the deterioration.

Some pre-existing conditions were caused by the former attending physician, Dr. Epstein, who prescribed very expensive, long-term cures, that sat idle in the freezer. Even a double dose of these medications, now, would not have saved the patient, as the heart problem would have caused death, perhaps a few weeks later.

Had the new attending physician, Dr. Ben Cherry, diagnosed the heart problem earlier, it is possible that a transplant of the two heart arteries might have saved the patient.

Due to the health plan providers unwillingness to pay for such a transplant the doctor’s hands were tied. Late efforts to find a “bargain basement” transplant source, trading in the “grey markets” of Philadelphia, Milwaukee, or Chicago were doomed to failure; especially in the latter city, where the team purchased useless resources before.

The Guinness Book of World Records expects this to be the longest and most attended wake in history, as it  is scheduled for the remaining home games, where the body will be available for viewing.

Despite the official declration of death of the team today, the grateful Red Sox owners, enjoying consecutive sell-out crowds from May 15, 2003 to present, anticipate sell-outs for the remaining games:

“…never underestimate what the passion of Red Sox Nation can achieve…Our fans have demonstrated unwavering loyalty and support from the stands at Fenway Park every day of the regular season for more than eight years, and everyone in the organization is grateful for the their steadfast dedication.” –Red Sox principal owner John Henry said in a news release.

Red Sox President/CEO Larry Lucchino said. “We are grateful for their knowledge, their passion, and their love of the Red Sox for the game of baseball.”


Asked if they would be willing to spend more in 2013 on transplants, the patient’s health plan providers declined to comment.

It was P. T. Barnum who first discovered that people would pay to view dead bodies in a sideshow.

The burial will be performed on Thursday, October 4th at 12:01 AM by all members of the Boston media.


Tags: AL Wild Card Ben Cherington Bobby Valentine Carl Crawford Daniel Bard David Ortiz Dead Dustin Pedroia Elimination Felix Doubront Fenway Park Free Agents John Henry John Lackey Jon Lester Josh Beckett Kevin Youkilis Larry Lucchino P. T. Barnum R.I.P. Record Schedule Sell-out Theo Epstein Wake Wild Card

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