I have decided maybe we have been too hard on Mr. Valentine. Maybe, we have been cruel and judgemental and unwelcoming. I for one am going to change that. I am going to extend my hand to Mr. Valentine and offer him some future job prospects for the upcoming year of 2013. I took careful consideration with this matter as, we all know very clearly what Bobby’s qualifications consist of. We are Red Sox fans, we are nothing, if not compassionate. I believe these are Bobby’s top five job perspectives. Don’t tell me I never did anything for you Bobby.
Number 1: I saw recently and by recently I mean as of today, that your beloved Dunkin Donuts in Boston is looking for highly motivated people (clearly might not be for you) for all shifts. I am pretty sure we have all seen your commercial that “you run on Dunkin”, if not here is the link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gt0FkEsWMU). Of course even in your commercial no one is sure of the calls you’re making. They are hiring for all shifts so I think this could be a real viable option for you. Who am I kidding, you? Customer service? Not likely.
Number 2: A hip hop artist. I know what you are thinking, you can’t do it. Listen, if Coco Crisp can do it, I believe in you. I would gladly help you write some lyrics. For example: My name is Bobby V I suck the life out of the game -Hire me once your team will never be the same. Yeah, I hate the Yankees but I love Ben- I never got hired to help the Red Sox win. Okay…maybe not.
Number 3: Work at a Halloween store. I agree this does sound like way too much fun. My theory however, is that you can be the villain/monster you have been trying so hard to pretend you’re not. Maybe it is time you embrace your super evil. You can finally wear all the masks you want to, coach, martyr, friend, backstabber, the list goes on!! Then with your “seasonal” experience maybe you can also get hired to steal Christmas. It’s a win-win.
Number 4: I thought really hard about this one. What I think is you and Luke Scott share a common virus. I think it is called Sticking My Foot In My Mouth Syndrome . With Luke Scott’s bright future as a garbage man, and your lack of commitment to do anything helpful for the Red Sox this season I am sure he would be glad to put in a good word for you at any dump. According to him you already have experience working at Fenway. Maybe he can even help you grow some Wolverine sideburns. See? I really do care about what is best for you.
Number 5: Security Guard. I know for you this will seem difficult as it will require people to trust you. I honestly thought that it would be a great position for you since not only are you not worried about job security and you are a master at creating lineups. Also with your willingness to punch people in the face, I think you would be a great enforcer. Also since you have stated and continue to prove that you are concerned with character not reputation, what better job to show exactly what kind of character nay, integrity you have. You could be a hero! For real this time!
In closing, there were many, many more job prospects that I looked at for Mr. Valentine. I am sure I missed some epic prospects. I am just trying to help and give Bobby a little encouragement for the future. Anyone else want to offer Bobby some future employment options?