[NOTICE TO LITERALISTS AND MORONS: Whilst the following may not seem funny, it is intended to be humorous. All characters and surnames appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or undead, as well as souls inhabiting bodies, is purely coincidental. All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. Any resemblance between the characters in this article and any persons, or body, living or dead, is a miracle.]
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Today, MLB Commissioner Butt Sealing was awakened at 3:33 PM by his secretary, who informed him that Homeland S.S. Director, Janice Neopolitan met with Mets players to urge fans to help keep the country safe by reporting anything suspicious they see, when attending games.
She was in lock-step with N.Y. City Police Department Commissioner Rayon Kelly, yesterday, to announce the security effort. It’s an expansion of the Homeland Security campaign
“Gee willikers,” exclaimed Butt, “what should I do?”
“I’ll send an email to the owners and call a meeting to discuss the implications for baseball and how MLB will cooperate with DHS to assure security and safety at games.” she replied.
“Yes, yes, of course…and be sure to remind them all to wear their flag pins to the meeting.”
[A few days later, the Commissioner meets with the Barons of Baseball.]
BS: Alright gentlemen, let’s get started. I count 29, who’s missing?
SEC: Ah, the Dodgers…they called and said that Mr. Colletti was being detained in the Denver airport…”
BS: “Detained”? By who?
SEC: Well, Mr. Johnson was planning to attend the meeting with Mr. Colletti…
SEC: But, Mr. Johnson is being detained by the TSA officials at the airport…
Owner 1: They’re detaining “Conjure” Johnson?
Owner 2: What the hell…
SEC: His money clip set off the metal detector…
Owner 3: Jee-zus! What next!
SEC: Apparently, Mr. Colletti said: “You morons! Do you know who we ARE ?”
Owner 4: Good!
SEC: That’s when the TSA supervisor intervened and said that Mr. Colletti looked like he might be of Middle Eastern extraction and put him in the detainment room.
Owner 5: Well, Nick’s Eye-tallyun, but he’s not an A-rab.
BS: Alright, gentlemen, we will monitor that situation carefully. Right now we need to focus on how Major League Baseball will cooperate and support the efforts of the Department of Homeland Security, particularly at our games.
Owner 6: Is this gonna cost us extra money? Are we gonna have to hire additional security?
BS: Good news! No. DHS will provide the additional personnel for the gate pat-downs.
Owner 7: But, we’ll still handle the bathroom security?
BS: Yes. Our people will act as a liaison with the Federal security.
Owner 8: Can you give us an example of how it might work at a game?
BS: Sure. We will post “If you See Something, Say Something” signs all around the stadium.
Owner 7: I suggest we post some right above the latrines…
BS: Of course…If a fan sees something suspicious he should immediately tell an usher or one of our security people; they in turn will radio one of the Federal agents and help identify the suspect.
Owner 9: Aren’t we going to be sued, if the suspect is innocent?
BS: No. Our role ends once our person identifies the suspect, they stand down and the Federal people take over.
Owner 10: Good! We’re off the hook!
Owner 20: Wait! I’m getting confused with this slogan: “See something, Don’t tell…”
BS: No, it’s “Say something…”
Owner 20: “Say something, Don’t tell”?
BS: No…that’s “Don’t ask…”
Owner 20: “Don’t ask, say something”?
BS: No, the slogan is: ”If You See Something, Say Something.”
Owner 20: But how do you know if what you’re seeing is “something”?
Owner 21: It means, if you see suspicious behavior…
Owner 20: You mean like when there are two sets of shoes in a toilet stall?
Owner 16: Or some guy peeking at you at the latrines?
Owner 22: Gents, we are not talking about your personal issues—what makes you insecure; we are dealing here in the area of terrorism—not what personally terrifies you.
Owner 20: I still think removing the stall doors is a good idea!
BS: Let’s leave those definitions to the Federal folks. Now, you will each need to identify a secure space for a body scanner…
Owner 11: Whoa, podna! You mean scanners, like the ones at the airports?
BS: Yes. But, once again, we cannot be held liable; those will be handled by TSA agents.
Owner 12: Well, that’s where I draw the line!
Owner 12: If we let the Federal government start intruding on our privacy rights and snooping into our financial records, we could lose our Monopoly exemption and…
BS: I fail to see a connection here…
Owner 12: T…S…A! Once Tax Sheltered Annuities agents get their nose in our tent, the next thing is…
BS: TSA is not “Tax Sheltered Annuities”–it stands for Transportation Safety Authority.
Owner 12: Oh…oh…well, then…never mind…
Owner 13: Gentlemen, do you fail to grasp the irony that we are willing to place scanners inside our ballparks, while one of our owners, Mr. Johnson is being detained by the TSA…
BS: Sure, there may be issues, but that will be handled by the Federal security people.
Owner 14: Maybe we can have them set up a scanner outside the stadium; maybe they could hide it on a large moving van…
Owner 15: We could make it “fun” by covering the sides of the van with photos of Hall of Famers smiling with talk balloons that say: “Be a good American like me.”
Owner 16: How about: “This is America’s game, so play along!”
Owner 17: Or, “Just like baseball, Homeland Security isn’t just a slogan– it’s a way of life.”
BS: “Close call? Report it! You never know when it really counts!”
Owner 18: “Any fan could be a fanatic!”
BS: I negotiated for a major side benefit with the scanners…one that will save us all money…
Owner 19: Oh…
BS: If one our pat-down staff at the gate suspects that a fan is trying to sneak food or beverages…
Owner 20: Thieves! Taking money out of our pockets!
BS: I’m thinking that, if they are trying to get to the game in time, they will want to avoid being detained for a scan and will just fess up and turn over their contraband food and beverages…
Owner 21: Those kids’ juice boxes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were hard to catch…
BS: Well, they will show up on these body scanners…
Owner 22: That’s money in the bank for us!
BS: And, I also negotiated a savings for one of our shirt give-away days. DHS will provide khaki shirts for kids attending all our games the week of July 4th. The shirts will have ”See Something…” on the front and “…Say Something!” on the back.
Owner 27: What color will they be?
BS: They said a “neutral” color. Two-tone, front and back…
Owner 25: With our MLB logo?
BS: No. They wouldn’t pay for the rights.
Owner 13: I’m a little concerned about detaining fans, especially kids…and…
Owner 23: Nonsense, Peter! If you’re innocent, you have no reason to object to a scan!
Owner 22: Exactly! And, objecting qualifies as “suspicious behavior.” It’s simple.
Owner 13: Suppose a parent objects to having their youngster scanned?
BS: Gentlemen! We don’t need to get into these legal “what-if” scenarios. The beauty of the system is that the Federal agents handle the kids. If there is a parent who refuses to allow his child to be scanned, that’s the Feds’ problem.
Owner: Good job, Butt!
[Secretary whispers into Butt’s ear.]
BS: Ah…Gentlemen, I think the wisdom of our decision to clarify exactly how we will support the efforts of DHS and TSA has just been demonstrated!
Owner 14: Do tell!
BS: Mr. Colletti used his phone call to talk to our legal staff and, as a result, Major League Baseball will send a lawyer to appear in court tomorrow to represent Nick and “Conjure.” If the court rules that, because they are refusing to cooperate, by not being scanned, they must be sent back to jail, we will file appeals all the way up the Supreme Court!
Owner 15: Wait! Won’t that expose us to losing our Monopoly exemption?
Owner 28: Nonsense! This case will get thrown out right away. Once the judge realizes that they were deemed “suspicious” because Nick is Eye-tallyun and “Conjure” is black—that they were profiled—he will dismiss the case.
BS: Alright, gentlemen, let’s move on to agenda item #2: Reappointment of Commissioner…
Owner 22: I move that we approve!
Owner 23: Seconded!
BS: All in favor…
All hands are raised.
BS: Thank you for your support, gentlemen. Now, on to item #3: Supplemental Wild Card Slots for 2013…Essentially this simplifies the current system; only the SIX teams that finish last in each of the divisions are eliminated from post-season play; the chart on the screen shows how the remaining 24 teams will be seeded for the Playoffs…