“Milky Caldera” Drug Affair Gets more Serious– CAUTION: HUMOR AHEAD!
By Earl Nash
[NOTICE TO LITERALISTS AND MORONS: Whilst the following may not seem funny, it is intended to be humorous. All characters and surnames appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or undead, as well as souls inhabiting bodies, is purely coincidental. All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. Any resemblance between the characters in this article and any persons, or body, living or dead, is a miracle.]
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A man claiming to be the real Milky Caldera held a press conference in the San Francisco Airport today. Holding up a faded Xerox copy of his Hawaiian birth certificate, the man claiming to be the real Milky Caldera told the media that he had been kidnapped a month before the Gigantes’ Spring training and that his soul was switched into the body of Uno Nunez.
Earlier today Caldera’s agents, identical twins Steve and Stephen Twinski, owners of the DOS BROS Actors Gild Group, Ltd., told MLB that Uno Nunez, with his twin brother Otro Nunez, hatched the plan to create a fake website intended to make Caldera appear to have been using adrenachrome, by accident. The Twinski twins said that Uno Nunez was not an employee of DOS BROS, but was a “private contractor,” who worked on commission and was recommended by the Beauty Cream and Nutritional Supplement company, BALLSCO.
The President of BALLSCO said that he was surprised that Caldera was so dumb, because adrenachrome is only detectable is a player rubs on too much; he said that, used as recommended, adrenachrome flushes out of the system within 4 hours.
Steve Twinski’s wife, Stephanie, said she now worries that her husband might have been victimized by the same “soul switch” cartel in Guadalajara just a month before they were married ; she bases her concern on the belief that “he was not the same man after the wedding; he stopped bringing me flowers and writing poetry.” she said, “as the years went by, he acted more like his nerdy brother, Stephen.” Her twin sister, Bethany is married to one of the Twinski brothers.
The body known as Uno Nunez claims that it is inhabited by the soul of the real Milky Caldera and that the person who broke MLBs drug rules was the soul of Uno Nunez in Caldera’s body.
The Hollywood rumor mill is circulating a story that Jaime Cockaran , Hollywood’s famous “Liar for the Stars,” will represent the soul of Milky Caldera and will seek a judgment to allow the body of Uno Nunez, which is inhabited by the real Milky Caldera, to return to the Giants and resume playing.
He says that, to avoid further confusion in the matter, the Nunez body with the Caldera soul will be re-baptized “The Real Milky Caldera.” He said that he has already spoken the MLB Commission, Bud Selig, who said he would allow it under the “player to be named later” clause in the MLBPA contract.
In return for the approval Bub Ceiling won a concession from Cockaran; “The Real Milky Caldera” would pay to have all the former MLB merchandise, sold with the name “Milky Caldera,” replaced with the new name.
And, the Commissioner announced that, “in the best interests of the game and merchandising,” anyone who purchased a Milky Caldera autographed baseball can have it re-signed with their choice of “The Real Milky Caldera” or “Uno Nunez.” He said that, to avoid confusion, ball owners should ship their baseballs to the Commissioner’s Office and assured everyone that “he would personally handle their balls.”
Ceiling says that, “since the body of Nunez got all the hits, it would be eligible to win the NL Batting title, but that the soul of Uno Nunez would have to answer to a higher authority…or vice-versa…”
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Image Source Page: http://juiceknows.com/?m=201105
Original image by Kerry Waghorn was photo-shopped by Earl Nash.