“Prince of Doom” Strangles Boston’s WS Hopes, when Rangers sign Fielder [not Darvish], after Wed. 7 PM
By Earl Nash
[SPOILER ALERT: THE FOLLOWING IS A PARODY]
Q: Will Texas sign Fielder and will he become the “Prince of Doom” for the Red Sox for the next decade?
The drama continues…
The “Happy-Talk Smoke Screen” Kabuki Shadow Play, starring Bud Selig, playing himself, as the deaf and dumb Commissioner of MLB and perhaps even c0-starring, perhaps members (but, definitely not including Nolan Ryan)…perhaps members of an unidentified organized baseball enterprise in a certain Southwester state resumes with…
Act II: Where the Rangers suddenly discover a cheaper solution to Yu Darvish.
"• Source:Roy Oswalt on Rangers’ radar; Ryan optimistic Darvish will signGerry Fraley | The Dallas Morning News“As what team president Nolan Ryan labeled promising negotiations with Japanese right-hander Yu Darvish continue, the Rangers have also made inquiries…• Source: Rangers growing optimistic about Darvish– Jon Paul Morosi“If the Rangers sign Darvish, it will probably signal that they are no longer pursuing free-agent first baseman Prince Fielder. One source with knowledge of the Rangers’ finances said this week that it’s unlikely the team can afford both players.”"
PLOT TWIST:
If the Rangers sign Oswalt to a one-year deal, well, shucks, they might not really need to spend $100 million on that “Dicey” Japanese pitcher.
[PLAY NOTE: Agent Scott Boras represents Darvish and Oswalt.]
Gee whiz and double shucks that means [act surprised] the Rangers would get a refund of about $71 million for their negotiation rights’ fee…Hmmm…
Then some genius [not Nolan Ryan] says:
“Hey, fellas! Wait a minute here! That means we have some extra money to buy us a Free Agent…Wonder if there’s any good ones still left?”
“Gee, the Phillies already stole that Papalbomb feller…”
“And that Poo Holes feller got stole by that team in Loze Angeleeze…”
“Geez, fellas, we got this pile of money we saved by getting Oswalt instead of Yu…”
“Hold it, right there, podna! We still gotta wait until that deadline next Wednesday, before we can use that money…”
“Sure, everybody knows that by now…I was talkin’ to a former team owner this mornin’ and he tells me there’s this fella, who he thinks will be the best hitter in all of baseball for the next ten years, just might still be available…”
“Well, gaw-lee, Georgie boy! Get the name of that player! Maybe we can make him an offer…say, $250 million for, say, ten years…”
[Georgie Boy returns a few minutes later with exciting news.]
“OK, fellas, there’s good news and bad news…”
“Whut?”
“Well, the bad news is that that team in Washington, DEE CEE, is interested and has met with his agent, Scott Boras…”
“Uh, oh…”
“But, we hear tell that they’re not ready to give this fella the ten-year deal he wants…”
“How come?”
“Seems they think he might put on some weight and not be able to bend over at 1b for ground balls and low throws…And, since the team is in the National League, they couldn’t even use him as a DH…”
“Well, what’s he look like?”
“Kinda a cross ‘tween the Michelin Man and the Pillsbury Doughboy…”
“Well…no matter how big he gets, we can use him as a DH!”
“Even if we have to drive him up the plate on a durn golf cart…”
“Michelin and Pillsbury…Make a note for a possible ad campaign tie in…”
“Maybe we should run this up the old flagpole…send the idea up to Mr. Ryan…”
“What? And spoil the surprise? And have him get all the credit?”
“Well a quarter billion dollars is a lot of money, even here in Texas…”
“Hell, it ain’t our money! Besides, if this guy, what’s-his-name, is as good as that former owner says, it will increase our cable revenues…get us playoff money and, who knows? Maybe get us to the World Series again!”
“Yeah, you got a point there…and them damn Yankee Red Sox are out of the Series for a decade…”
“…for ten years!”
“That’s what I SAID, Georgie…”
“Besides, you know what a straight arrow guy Ryan is…it’s better he don’t know we are intentionally letting the Darvish deal die, so we can get this other guy…”
“Right, right! Let’s just keep it between us…”
“OK, I say we take a vote. All those in favor of offering this what’s-his-name guy a quarter of a billion dollars for 10 years…and not telling Nolan about it, until he signs the contract, say “YIPPEEE!”
[All ten say “YIPPEEE!” simultaneously.]
“OK then, Georgie Boy, get his agent on the phone…Uh, who is his agent?”
“Scott Boras..”
“That funny furrin’ guy in that movie?”
“No Bore-ASS, not Bore RAT!”
“Oh…well we still got him on speed dial from that deal with that Japanese kid…Well, get that Bore ASS on the horn and ask him if…oh, what IS this player’s name?”
“Prince…F…”
“Prince? I loved his album, Purple Rain…”
“Prince? What the hell kinda nickname is that? We’ll have to get him to change it…I won’t sell our merchandise with the name “PRINCE” on it…sounds gay…no way, not in Texas…”
“Uh, that’s his REAL first name…”
“Are you yankin’ my boot, Georgie?”
“Nope. His last name is Fielder…”
“Well, that’s better! That’s more like a man…a fielder…Anyway…we’ll have the PR folks give him a nickname instead…something, not gay, but manly…say “Fightin’ Fielder” or…”
“But we need a corporate tie-in for PR and advertising…”
“Hey! What’s the Big Enchilada industry in the state?”
“Tex-Mex food?”
“ No, Georgie…Awl…Awl is King in this state!”
“You wanna call this guy “King Oil Fielder?”
“No, Georgie! Think…Awl…nat-rul gas…Gulf o’ Mexico disaster…ex-plor-a-shun!”
“I still like Prince Oil Field-er…”
“No Georgie! Think!…nat-rul gas…ex-plor-a-shun…Frackin’ ! Frackin’ Fielder !”
“Perfect! Have Jimmy Joe in PR call all the boys at the awl companies! They’ll sponsor Frackin’ Fielder t-shirts, caps, bats and glove give-aways to all the kids—they’re future customers!”
“And we sell buttons and bumper stickers: “HEY RED SOX…FRACK YOU!“
“And, we do a commercial spot with us and Mr. Ryan, Mr. Fielder and a few real workers… and the narrator says:
On behalf of all of us in the Texas Ranger organization who all appreciate your support…
[group yells in unison] “FRACK YOU, VERY MUCH!”
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DISCLAIMER: For those of you out in Texas, and other such places, please understand that this piece [above] is a “parody”–that means it is not intended to in any way, shape, or form to refer to any real persons or any real events in this real world, living or dead, or in any way suggest that the Texas Rangers would intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance, act in bad faith in their negotiations with any potential employee [Google: “good faith” and “anti-trust], or conspire intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance, to not make a counter-offer to Yu Darvish with the covert intention of undermining the deal, so they could use the money to offer it to, say, Frackin Fielder. Further, the use of the terms “deaf and dumb” in reference to the Commissioner of MLB, Mr. Bud “Light” Selig, are not part of the parody, but are intended to accurately describe him in reference to times when he appeared “deaf” to common sense and generally dumb [Google Montreal Expos or World Series and game cancelled], as in, not a very bright “Light” and are not intended to suggest that he is pretending to be deaf and/or dumb with reference to the the matter of the Yu Darvish negotiations, as they may relate to MLB’s anti-trust exemption. Noting the fact that baseball agent Scott Boras represents both Mr. Oswalt and Mr. Darvish in no way suggests, intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance, that there may be a conflict of interest, as it is also commonly believed that Mr. Boras acts solely in his own interests, always. The use of the terms “Bore Ass“ and “Bore Rat“ were only to suggest the Texas pronunciation of his name and were not meant to suggest that Mr. Boras is boring, an ass, or a rat, intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance. Although the moronic [fictional] man at the meeting named “Georgie” may bring to mind the name of former President, and former part-owner of the Texas Rangers, “George” Bush, any possible connection was not suggested intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance. Any reference to a real or fictional oil company was in no way meant to raise the question: Does fracking poison wells or aquifers or cause fractures that could cause devastating earthquakes, nor remind readers of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The mention of the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico was strictly for the purpose of parody to entertain, but not educate or inform the readers. The mention of the singer, Prince, now known as a symbol [not available], was in no way meant to suggest intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance, that the singer, formerly known as Prince has ever played professional baseball in America, Japan, or any territory of the United States or former colony of Great Britain, formerly known as the British Empire. All references to persons living or dead, or unsure of their existence, are completely, coincidental and/or not suggested intentionally, or even inadvertently, or out of sheer ignorance. and do not represent the management or employees of the Bosox Injection or FANSIDED, or Mrs. Earl Nash. “Frackin’ Fielder” may already be copyrighted. The preceding DISCLAIMER was not intended to be a parody…Offer void where prohibited…batteries not included…[EarlNash] ***********************************************************************************************
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